Helping Kids Manage Big Emotions

The beginning of the school year is often a time that we hear from parents who are frustrated with their children's behavior.  As elementary schoolers head off to school, they look so big and capable marching onto the bus.  Yet  the minute they get home, their behavior appears more akin to the "terrible twos" than the mature elementary school kid of the same morning.   While this "let down" is very typical early in the school year as kids get used to holding it together all. day. long., there are things parents can do to help their children learn to manage emotions in a healthy, productive way.  Just because it's normal, doesn't mean it has to be this way!  The school transition, like any other challenging emotional time, is a great opportunity to teach kids the skills they need to BEHAVE in ways that they are proud of in spite of their VERY BIG emotions.  

 The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel is a helpful book on this topic.  Visualizing the brain is a helpful first step for parents and kids trying to make sense of big emotions.  The Left vs. Right Brain and Upstairs vs. Downstairs Brain are two helpful ways to understand the competing parts of the brain; our job as caregivers is to help children integrate both parts of their brains.   Tantrums, aggression, outbursts, meltdowns, and other difficult behaviors are a result of disintegration.  That is, children (or adults!) get STUCK in one part of the brain and need to learn the skills to access the other part.

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Left vs. Right Brain

Left + right = facts + comprehension
Helping children learn to use both their left (logical, "robot") brain and their right (emotional) brain prepares them to live fulfilling lives and have healthy relationships.

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Quick Tips for Parents

• Connect then Correct: When your child is upset, connect first emotionally - right brain to right brain - by validating their emotion.  Validating the emotion is not the same as condoning the behavioral response.   Emotions are often irrational (and can result in unacceptable behaviors.)  Connecting just means acknowledging the emotion by naming it in order to help the child calm down enough to receive left brain discipline.  Once the child is receptive, left brain lessons and correction can take place.
• Name it, don't Flame it:  When the right brain emotions are raging, help your child access their left brain by encouraging them to put words to their experience and explain what is upsetting them.  The goal in this case is just to help children feel more in control by accessing the left, logical, sequencing part of the brain.  This is not the time to argue the validity of their experience.  Try to remain calm -- remember our job is to bring the child towards the left, not add more right-brained emotion to the situation.  

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Upstairs vs. Downstairs Brain

Upstairs + downstairs = reason and instinct
Dr. Siegel refers to the upstairs brain as "under construction" because it is not fully developed until the mid-20's while babies are born with their downstairs brain.  Be patient!  Downstairs tantrums and outbursts are evidence of a skills deficit, not a lack of motivation to behave.  Often children are as frustrated by their lack of self control as we are!    

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Quick Tips for Parents

• Build up, don't Beat down: When your child's upstairs brain has been "hijacked" by big emotions, help your child  "up" by engaging in problem-solving.  Attempting to discipline big emotions in the moment usually pushes children deeper "downstairs" into bigger emotions.  Now they're not only upset about the initial problem, but they are also angry about the discipline, guilty, annoyed at you, etc.  Try to ask logical questions to help your child build  up those missing "upstairs" skills.
• Coach more, fix less:  With children with big emotions, it is tempting to walk on eggshells to try to avoid challenging situations.  It is tempting to fix problems rather than guiding children through the problem-solving process.  In moments of calm, try asking your child hypothetical questions to train that problem-solving part of the brain. 

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If you would like to talk about additional ways to help your child manage their emotions, please contact us today.  Often group counseling can be a particularly useful strategy to help children gain these valuable skills.